Let's Get Serious: Fearing the Unknown
Happy Wednesday, folks! I hope you're all having a wonderful day so far and I dunno about y'all, but I'm so glad we've made it to the halfway point of the week.
This morning has been filled with errands and pet sitting duties as well as miniature dance parties in my bedroom to keep my spirits high. I am applying to graduate school and perfecting writing samples and crafting a personal statement, and I have been struggling like a mothertrucker. I have known for a month or two now that I wanted to apply to graduate school for the Spring 2020 semester, but I have put off filling out the application and reopening essays because, let's face it, starting graduate school is a scary thought.
Now I did not avoid starting my application and reviewing my work because I assumed I was "destined to fail," but rather because change is spooky. Starting graduate school means the groove of life I literally JUST settled into is going to be thrown off like a warped '45 single without an RPM adapter. Expanding my studies and going back to school excites me more than Christmas morning, but I am not very good at adapting to major life changes. Most people struggle with making huge steps due to an ever-present fear of the unknown, and if you are one of those folks, this post is for you.
I am a very adaptable person and and quick on my feet when it comes to handling things in the moment or within my research. As we all know, it is important to be adaptable when researching and when working in groups or at a job because no situations in life are ever guaranteed to be exactly the same each time you experience them. For example, road work is unavoidable and sometimes, detours come up in our daily commutes. Routines have to be adjusted and life goes on perfectly fine. These issues never bother me, and they do not bother most people either, but I genuinely struggle with major life changes. Challenges and changes in parts of my daily routine or my personal research are exciting, but looking too far in the future or taking steps to change the course of my life utterly terrify me.
In today's "Let's Get Serious" post, we're talking about fearing the unknown.
Anxiety has always been present in my life, but I have only struggled with depressive episodes three times in my life. Each time was after a major life change: graduating high school, working while taking a full load of college courses, and graduating from undergrad. Each time an episode has hit, I have instantly felt an overarching aura of doom, death, and stagnation form around me. My mind automatically throws itself into the metaphorical deep end of bad thoughts as soon as a chapter in my life closes out, and being in that headspace is terrifying and horrendous. I genuinely do not even wish that on my worst enemies.
Because I was gearing up for college or in school for my first two episodes, I would do my best to avoid the thoughts by keeping myself busy or delving deeper into research I was conducting. This allowed me to keep those thoughts at the back of my mind and they would only bother me before bed- lovely, right? Toward the end of my second episode, I started going to counseling at my university after having a literal breakdown at work. My therapist encouraged me to rationalize my thoughts and actually deal with the issues I was facing in my depressive episodes. I would write out my negative thoughts and would list three good things that could counteract those negative thoughts, and that worked for most of my issues. But there was one that took me a while to confront- my fear of death.
This fear of death emerged after the deaths of two of my idols- David Bowie and Prince. I know what you might be thinking... "how can you be so deeply bothered by the deaths of two celebrities you didn't even know personally?" Trust me, I was just as confused when I explained what triggered this overwhelming fear to my therapist. He said it was totally reasonable to feel what I was feeling after people I had looked at as immortal all my life died, thus proving they were mere mortals like everyone else. Rationalizing this took a lot longer than anticipated, but it happened. After a month or two of therapy, I was starting to enjoy my life again and was no longer terrified to drive or leave my house in fear of randomly dying. It was a wonderful feeling.
Then May 2019 happened. I should have been insanely happy and loving life! I had graduated with honors and was prepared to go into the workforce for a year or so before applying to grad school in Fall 2020. I should have been hanging out with my friends and visiting historical sites. I should have been feeling a weight off my shoulders, but the weight only got worse as time went on.
I had been in school every Fall and Spring since I was 4 years old... and for the first time in 18 years, I did not have school to look forward to after summer vacation. I did not have a job lined up because I did not anticipate how difficult finding a job would be. I thought things would be simple and easy, but I was so very wrong. After not getting two different jobs that I hoped would work out for me, I stopped applying to jobs for a month and stayed home and slept all the time. I was miserable. I literally created a hole in my mattress from where I would sit there all day... it was THAT bad. I hated myself, I hated successful people, I hated everything. Luckily, I have a supportive group of friends and my family has been wonderful as well, so this melancholy sadness only lasted for a month or so. I finally started talking to people again after isolating myself because I felt as if nobody wanted to be friends with a "failure." I made an extremely raw and real Facebook post where I unveiled my struggles and why I had been distant. I felt the need to do that after getting a simple but meaningful keychain from a folk art festival that still helps me keep my head up during the dark times in my life. It says "Look on the Rosy Side," and this simple reminder inspires me every single day.
Eventually, I got out of my funk and out of my head. Love entered my life and so did employment through more pet sitting jobs and I am also a tour guide at a local ghost tour. I love my life so very much right now, and I am finally feeling like myself again. I am finally in a groove again and am comfortable in my own skin. Things are back at a new normal, and while I am so ready to continue my studies and improve as a historian, I know this degree will be a huge time and financial commitment. I know this is where I am meant to be, but every now and then, doubt creeps up and makes me want to halt my plans due to fear of the unknown. Hence why I am filling out this application and hoping to have it submitted by Friday. Yes, October 11.
Even with my huge fears of the unknown, I am slowly able to conquer the sometimes overwhelming pressure by keeping my head up and asking for help whenever I need it. Asking for help and support can be extremely difficult for me (that's a post for another day), but through this struggle, I have learned it is necessary for me if I want to be sane and get ish done. If anyone reading this is struggling to take a big step in life because of a fear of the unknown, know that you are not alone and that you are capable of doing great things. Small steps are the most beneficial things in the world, and I genuinely mean that I believe in every single one of you lil' weirdos reading this. Smash your goals and keep your chin up. Always look on the rosy side and inspiration will definitely find its way to your precious little heart.
Have a happy hump day!
Allie
This morning has been filled with errands and pet sitting duties as well as miniature dance parties in my bedroom to keep my spirits high. I am applying to graduate school and perfecting writing samples and crafting a personal statement, and I have been struggling like a mothertrucker. I have known for a month or two now that I wanted to apply to graduate school for the Spring 2020 semester, but I have put off filling out the application and reopening essays because, let's face it, starting graduate school is a scary thought.
Now I did not avoid starting my application and reviewing my work because I assumed I was "destined to fail," but rather because change is spooky. Starting graduate school means the groove of life I literally JUST settled into is going to be thrown off like a warped '45 single without an RPM adapter. Expanding my studies and going back to school excites me more than Christmas morning, but I am not very good at adapting to major life changes. Most people struggle with making huge steps due to an ever-present fear of the unknown, and if you are one of those folks, this post is for you.
I am a very adaptable person and and quick on my feet when it comes to handling things in the moment or within my research. As we all know, it is important to be adaptable when researching and when working in groups or at a job because no situations in life are ever guaranteed to be exactly the same each time you experience them. For example, road work is unavoidable and sometimes, detours come up in our daily commutes. Routines have to be adjusted and life goes on perfectly fine. These issues never bother me, and they do not bother most people either, but I genuinely struggle with major life changes. Challenges and changes in parts of my daily routine or my personal research are exciting, but looking too far in the future or taking steps to change the course of my life utterly terrify me.
In today's "Let's Get Serious" post, we're talking about fearing the unknown.
Anxiety has always been present in my life, but I have only struggled with depressive episodes three times in my life. Each time was after a major life change: graduating high school, working while taking a full load of college courses, and graduating from undergrad. Each time an episode has hit, I have instantly felt an overarching aura of doom, death, and stagnation form around me. My mind automatically throws itself into the metaphorical deep end of bad thoughts as soon as a chapter in my life closes out, and being in that headspace is terrifying and horrendous. I genuinely do not even wish that on my worst enemies.
Because I was gearing up for college or in school for my first two episodes, I would do my best to avoid the thoughts by keeping myself busy or delving deeper into research I was conducting. This allowed me to keep those thoughts at the back of my mind and they would only bother me before bed- lovely, right? Toward the end of my second episode, I started going to counseling at my university after having a literal breakdown at work. My therapist encouraged me to rationalize my thoughts and actually deal with the issues I was facing in my depressive episodes. I would write out my negative thoughts and would list three good things that could counteract those negative thoughts, and that worked for most of my issues. But there was one that took me a while to confront- my fear of death.
This fear of death emerged after the deaths of two of my idols- David Bowie and Prince. I know what you might be thinking... "how can you be so deeply bothered by the deaths of two celebrities you didn't even know personally?" Trust me, I was just as confused when I explained what triggered this overwhelming fear to my therapist. He said it was totally reasonable to feel what I was feeling after people I had looked at as immortal all my life died, thus proving they were mere mortals like everyone else. Rationalizing this took a lot longer than anticipated, but it happened. After a month or two of therapy, I was starting to enjoy my life again and was no longer terrified to drive or leave my house in fear of randomly dying. It was a wonderful feeling.
Then May 2019 happened. I should have been insanely happy and loving life! I had graduated with honors and was prepared to go into the workforce for a year or so before applying to grad school in Fall 2020. I should have been hanging out with my friends and visiting historical sites. I should have been feeling a weight off my shoulders, but the weight only got worse as time went on.
I had been in school every Fall and Spring since I was 4 years old... and for the first time in 18 years, I did not have school to look forward to after summer vacation. I did not have a job lined up because I did not anticipate how difficult finding a job would be. I thought things would be simple and easy, but I was so very wrong. After not getting two different jobs that I hoped would work out for me, I stopped applying to jobs for a month and stayed home and slept all the time. I was miserable. I literally created a hole in my mattress from where I would sit there all day... it was THAT bad. I hated myself, I hated successful people, I hated everything. Luckily, I have a supportive group of friends and my family has been wonderful as well, so this melancholy sadness only lasted for a month or so. I finally started talking to people again after isolating myself because I felt as if nobody wanted to be friends with a "failure." I made an extremely raw and real Facebook post where I unveiled my struggles and why I had been distant. I felt the need to do that after getting a simple but meaningful keychain from a folk art festival that still helps me keep my head up during the dark times in my life. It says "Look on the Rosy Side," and this simple reminder inspires me every single day.
(Check out Kristen Ramsey's Art on Etsy! She's absolutely phenomenal and such a kind soul.)
Eventually, I got out of my funk and out of my head. Love entered my life and so did employment through more pet sitting jobs and I am also a tour guide at a local ghost tour. I love my life so very much right now, and I am finally feeling like myself again. I am finally in a groove again and am comfortable in my own skin. Things are back at a new normal, and while I am so ready to continue my studies and improve as a historian, I know this degree will be a huge time and financial commitment. I know this is where I am meant to be, but every now and then, doubt creeps up and makes me want to halt my plans due to fear of the unknown. Hence why I am filling out this application and hoping to have it submitted by Friday. Yes, October 11.
Even with my huge fears of the unknown, I am slowly able to conquer the sometimes overwhelming pressure by keeping my head up and asking for help whenever I need it. Asking for help and support can be extremely difficult for me (that's a post for another day), but through this struggle, I have learned it is necessary for me if I want to be sane and get ish done. If anyone reading this is struggling to take a big step in life because of a fear of the unknown, know that you are not alone and that you are capable of doing great things. Small steps are the most beneficial things in the world, and I genuinely mean that I believe in every single one of you lil' weirdos reading this. Smash your goals and keep your chin up. Always look on the rosy side and inspiration will definitely find its way to your precious little heart.
Have a happy hump day!
Allie
lovely post, thanks for sharing yourself
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